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• You might be a redneck if your child's first words were: "Attention K-mart shoppers!"
   
• A guy walked into a bar... and said, "OUCH!"
   
• Extremely fun things to do on an elevator:
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
• Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
• Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
• Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
• Every time someone presses a button exclaim, "Oh crap! You sank my battleship!"
   
• A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
  The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
  
  So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
  
  The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
  
  "Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
   
• A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?''
  
  ''In 3 months.''
   
•  Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
  
  New employee: Yes, sir.
  
  Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
   
• A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
  His beautiful, young secretary opened the door, announced that there was someone there to see him and brought the man into his office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
  
  Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''
  
  ''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''
   
• There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
  When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
  
  He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
   
• A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
  
  The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
   
• NEW - A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan to protect and serve. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend back home. In the letter she explained that she was tired of waiting on him and that the time apart was too much for her. She wanted to break up with him. She said that she was sorry and asked if he could please send her photos back to her, as some of them were sentimental and they were the only ones that she had.
  
  So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 30 pictures of women to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."